Billy Mays calls Vince from Shamwow Out
Created on: February 10th, 2009
sh*t just got real.
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IN A FEW MINUTES, THERE WILL BE A GODDAMN NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN. CALL THAT SH*T AND BUY SIX JUGS OF THIS F*CKING KABOOM AND WE'LL THROW IN A SAMURAI SHARK AND SOME GODDAMN ZORBEEZ. WHAT ARE ZORBEEZ? YOU BEST BE JOKING, N*GG*R. THOSE F*CKING TOWELS CAN SOAK UP LIKE A GALLON APIECE. YOU'LL PROBABLY NEED THEM AFTER YOU SHARPEN YOUR F*CKING SCISSORS WITH THE SAMURAI SHARK.
HI, I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE. YOUR MOTHER MAY HAVE BEEN BLESSED MORE TIMES BY THE SACRED WHITE RIVER OF MY PELVIC PALADIN, BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO GIVE ME THE GREEN EYE OF JEALOUSY, MY C*CK-LOVING CAVALIER. BETWEEN US, TONIGHT WILL BE RELIGIOUS RAPTURE, FOR YOUR ANAL CLEFT SHALL BE MY GREAT SEA, AND I SHALL BE ITS MOSES, CLEAVING ITS MIGHTY CHOCOLATE OCEAN TO MAKE WAY FOR THE SAFE PASSAGE OF MY TESTICULAR TRIBE,
HAVING BEEN GRANTED MEPHITIC FREEDOM FROM THE TYRANNY OF ENSLAVEMENT BEHIND A LOCKED PROSTATE. TO DO THIS, I WILL READY MY LONGINUS TO PIERCE YOUR BACKSIDE’S SACRED DOMAIN — YOU WILL SCREAM FIRST IN PAIN, THEN IN PASSION AS ITS STEEL-LADEN GIRTH STRETCHES AND RIPS THE FABRIC OF YOUR MORTAL INNARDS, DISIMBUING YOU OF YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS, LEADING YOU TO A HEAVEN, THEN REVIVING YOUR FEELING OF PHYSICAL REALITY LIKE A ONCE-CRUCIFIED CHRIST RETURNING TO EARTH.
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